Unsoliticed Advice #1

I think I'll start regularly posting what I see as useful advice. At the very least, it will be interesting to look back and see if my opinions change. But hopefully you might find these useful too. Here's the first:

How to give compliments to people who won't take them.

Have to ever tried to be nice to someone and they just won't take your compliment? Perhaps they are too shy, too humble, or just too proud! Here are some tips to compliment these people in a way they will respond to.

Avoid compliments that use a comparison, even value judgments. For instance:

• "That piano playing was really good"
• "You're the most beautiful person I know!"

People who find it hard to take compliments will usually deny these claims. This may because they are under-rating themselves, or because they think you are over-rating them! They may actually be justified in denying your claims - if for instance they feel that they didn't play the piano very well compared to their usual skill level, or they know someone more beautiful than them that you aren't aware of! So either their self-esteem is low, or your experience of piano playing or personal beauty isn't as wide as theirs
Either way, you can still give an effective compliment by changing the compliment around to reflect the effect that they have had on you. This is good because:

1. It emphasizes the relationship between the two of you, rather than just the performance/beauty of the other person. Whether you are romantically involved or not, focusing on the relationship you have with someone is always more important than the things they or you do or look like.
2. But more importantly, it is much easier for the person to accept the compliment because there is less comparison involved. For instance:
   - "I really enjoyed your piano playing"
   - "I just love looking at you"

The other person can then feel warm and encouraged (the purpose of a compliment) because of the effect that they have on you (enjoyment, pleasure etc.). They don't have to worry about whether they thought they were good enough. There is no way they can deny your compliment without sounding silly (e.g. - "You didn't enjoy my playing!").

So your compliments should have the desired effects!

Note: If, in response to "I really enjoyed your piano playing", they say "Well you must have simple tastes because I played very badly", then we can assume their ego is far too developed to warrant any further compliments!